I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
