I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
