I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
being pregnant is like rehab
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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