i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
