Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
