so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
