Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
