you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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