last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
