guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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