she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
