theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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