I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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