how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize