i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
