throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
