fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
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