Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
