My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
