I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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