dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
