I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
