smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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