gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
