You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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