I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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