Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
