If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
All I want is dick and wine.
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