I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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