the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
