Your favorite bartender is back from prision
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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