God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
