I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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