$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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