How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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