Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
