i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
