did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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