idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
