I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Randomize
