I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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