I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
