I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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