I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
