Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
