All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
