Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
