____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
