Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
