Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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