This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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