Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
