just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
