i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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