So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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