Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
