At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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