I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Acid is not a monday night drug
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
