Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
