You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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