I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
