Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
worst night to have a conscience
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
