What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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